Jesus Knocked on My Door
2002-
It was a time in my life when everything seemed perfect; I was happily married, my son was newly born, I owned my home and we were all in perfect health. There was abundance all around me, and yet, I had a creeping sensation of emptiness deep (down) inside me. There were times I would get angry with myself, because I thought I shouldn’t feel lack of anything, I felt guilty and frustrated at myself, because I consciously knew that I had no real reason to feel this way. I kept convincing myself that the nagging emptiness would eventually dissipate, and I would finally be free of that burden. I guess, in a way, I’ve always sensed a void in my life, but I had expected it to go away once I started a family of my own, but it didn’t. It was that very realization that had me worried about my future and if I could ever achieve complete happiness.
*(I was 26 years old at the time of this event.)
After many attempts at distracting myself with life, and denying the impending awareness of the emptiness within my body, I had concluded that I was being forced to confront myself. I thought perhaps I was depressed, so, I had gone to see my doctor and the diagnosis was that I was fine, I was not depressed. A few days later, I was pondering the many layers of my existence, when I had become aware that I believed in nothing really, in terms of following a faith. I hadn’t acknowledged, at that time, that I was spiritual, I had thought that I needed to follow a religion to be “spiritual”.
I didn’t grow up in a religious family per se, we didn’t attend church as a family every Sunday, or ever, really lol. As a child I would sometimes go to church with my aunt, and that’s about it. My father grew up Pentecostal with heavily- religious parents, who lived in a small little town, but once he came to Canada, his beliefs changed, and he became Atheist. I remember my dad saying to me, in Spanish, “When I got here and I saw all the different beautiful cultures, with their own faiths, it’s like I woke up! There is no one religion, maybe there is no God, but we share the same want to believe in something.”
On My mother’s side, she had an Atheist father, and her mother was more of the open-ish, spiritual faith, and yet, my mother was drawn to Catholicism because her maternal grandmother (My great-grandmother) believed in the Virgin Mary, and so she had adopted that belief in a casual sense. Although religion was not an influence within my family dynamics, we were somewhat spiritual, understanding that there was more to life than our physical reality.
I thought perhaps that it was religion that was missing in my life, that having faith in God, whole heartedly, was the key to filling up my void. The question was: Which religion is the right one to follow? There are so many to choose from, how does one find their religious calling? And so, I began my journey to discovering my spirituality.
During my journey, I delved into extensive research and inquiry into various religions. Interacting with friends from diverse cultural backgrounds, each embracing their own faith, I consistently engaged them in discussions about their beliefs. The more I delved into this exploration, the more it sparked my curiosity and led me to question the concept of religion even further. The wide array of beliefs intrigued me, but it also perplexed and frustrated me. I found myself pondering that if there truly existed a divine entity, then there should be unanimity in beliefs, eliminating confusion. My reasoning led me to the belief that an omnipotent God would unmistakably reveal itself to all humanity in a uniform manner.
I had a friend who lived close by and he was one of the people who I expressed my confusion to, he is a Christian who partook in a band at a church nearby. One day he had invited me and my family to watch him play in the band at his church, and it would be the following Sunday. I remember him specifically saying, “If you are searching for God and have questions, come to church on Sunday and just pray to Jesus”.
I didn’t hesitate, I found myself wanting to go and experience the “church thing”. Many emotions began to arise as I drew closer to the church-date, I was feeling unworthy and sinful! How could I go to church if I am a sinner? How can I approach Jesus if I was unworthy of him? These thoughts dominated my mind but these were the questions I needed answers to.
Day of…
I remember that Sunday was a very cold winter day, we had gone to the evening youth mass at the church nearby where my friend was going to play his music. We had sat at the back on the second floor, overlooking the enormous stage. I recall the energy of the room, it was positive and serene, I could see people of different faiths enjoying the message of the music. The evening youth mass was not what I expected, seeing the diverse age groups surprised me, but it made me feel welcomed, so I relaxed and enjoyed the band. About 40 min in, the pastor had asked us all to be silent and to pray. This was my opportunity to ask Jesus my questions, I didn’t kneel like some of the other people did. I didn’t put my hands together in prayer, I simply closed my eyes and talked in my mind.
I said, 'Hey Jesus, I been so upset with all this shit about religion, and I need to know WTF is the truth?! Please, Jesus, just tell me if you are real!’
It may seem that I was disrespectful to Jesus", but it was my raw emotions, deep and very real…
We arrived home late that night, we had to go pick up my son from my parents house. It started to snow outside, the night sky was filled with a pink hue that always seemed to relax me during the cold winters in Edmonton. We settled in, and I put my infant in his crib to sleep. My spouse (ex-husband now), was getting ready for bed. I was on my computer, chatting on MSN with a friend and I remember I was drinking tea, I was sharing the events of my day to my friend. I tell her that I had been feeling strange lately, as if I was being called to explore deeply into the world of spirituality. I was feeling vulnerable, as I confessed to her that I had been feeling guilty about not being completely happy in my life.
Suddenly, I heard knocking at the door and my (x)husband came out of the room, he asked me if I was expecting anyone, I quickly told him I wasn’t expecting anybody, when out of nowhere and unconsciously, I said, “It’s for me!”
He looked at me confused because I just told him that I wasn’t expecting anyone, let alone at midnight.
I realized that I had not said that willingly, “OMG! I don’t know why I said that!”
Feeling strange, I acknowledged that I had no control over what I had just said to him. It's difficult to articulate the sensation of uttering words without any prior thought. If that even makes sense...
Upon reflex, I rose and proceeded to open the door in a trance-like manner, resembling a zombie with my x-spouse just behind me. As I open the door, there stood an unfamiliar woman in her forties, clad in ripped jeans rolled up to her calves, a disheveled white t-shirt, and bare feet. Despite the bitter winter chill, she appeared unfazed. With curly, short, blonde hair and the most piercing blue eyes, she exuded a nostalgic resemblance to the free-spirited hippies of the 1970s Woodstock era.
She looked straight at me, without blinking her eyes, and said, “I am sorry to bother you so late, I was at the hospital praying for the cancer patients to cross over, when I was told to come to your door…”
At this point we were in complete shock, I couldn’t speak, I felt frozen, and my (x)husband was holding me, and she continued to say:
“I have come to give you a message...”
She gazed into my eyes with profound intensity, enveloping my body and soul in a powerful energy that provided me with a deep sense of security.
She gently says to me, “Jesus loves you…”
In that moment, I realized that Jesus had listened to my prayer! It also struck me why she was praying specifically for the cancer patients near the end of their lives, and not for the other terminally ill children and people in the hospital. This thought has lingered in my mind, and I continue to ponder its significance to this day. It feels like a hint toward a much larger quesiton. But let's return to the story...
A Profound Encounter
I fainted, and my (x)husband caught me. In those fleeting moments, I transcended time, losing myself in a sensation of endlessness. It was an extraordinary experience that I can scarcely put into words. It was as if I had a conversation with a divine presence, realizing that it was Jesus communicating through the vessel of a woman. What transpired next is beyond my ability to fully articulate, but I will endeavor to convey the profound sensations that coursed through me.
I am convinced that my soul was touched; a sensation akin to an intense heat engulfed my chest. A potent yet gentle vortex seemed to swirl through my torso, traveling from my chest to my toes and then ascending to my head. I felt an overwhelming sense of safety and love - a love of the purest nature. Within this transformative encounter, a message was imparted to me, intended to be shared with the world:
He holds love for you without limits, extending to every human and living being. He embodies compassion and affection—more than just Jesus, he is a presence beyond. He moves among us not to assess, but to encourage and lead us toward empathy. Jesus recognized my shame and ensured that I had no reason for it. This message is meant for you as well. The teachings of Jesus are not confined to religion; they form a universal message for all to embrace and experience.
The searing fire-like sensation waned as I rose to my feet. My (x) husband witnessed the entire event, and together we watched the woman walk away, barefoot, until she vanished.
Several encounters and experiences followed after that event, with Jesus and other spirits.
After that experience, I gained some insight into the Christian faith, but I wasn't completely invested in it because I felt a strong pull towards my own ancestral traditions, and desired to remain open to new experiences. While I briefly embraced Christianity, it didn't endure for long. Jesus is constantly present in my life, he loves me unconditionally. I perceive a profound understanding beyond the conditioned beliefs of humanity, and I am certain that I am currently in the right place for my spiritual journey. My moment with Jesus, is a gift to my consciousness, as I am aware of something that not many can sense nor begin to understand, but one fact remains at the core of my encounter with him, he is more than just one “man” or “spirit”, he comes to life in different forms, maybe to test us, but mostly to teach us compassion.
I have come to understand that the powerful force I felt within me that night is referred to by Christians as "The Fire of the Holy Spirit," and is also recognized as "Kundalini Awakening" in Eastern religions. My awareness of these concepts only began when I embarked on my spiritual path at the age of 33, shortly after my divorce, and prior to that, I was completely unaware of their significance. This “holy fire” or “Kundalini Awakening”, is beyond what most people think it is, I wish everyone could experience it, so that I don’t feel so alone in my experience.
